Coffee Break Tales

James, or Jimmy to those who irritate him, asked for a short Biography. He allowed us to know that he fished, didn’t do well at school and was an elephant circumciser. I knew he was an expatriate Scot, due to his late night emails reeking of single malt whisky.Jimmy, your fifteen minutes of fame is upon you.

Life, for our hero, was quite uneventful in the early years. The mishap in the Kirk so many years ago had not marred him at all. Or, so his parents thought. (Another fishy tale.)

He was an uninspiring student at school, though not unintelligent by any means. He preferred not to try too hard, perceiving excess ability in homework could lead to unrealistic expectations on the teacher’s part. He soon formulated a plan to circumvent any hopes an educator may have. It was a brilliant plan – he wagged school and went fishing at every opportunity.

It worked, he remained at the middle level of achievement for most,but not all, of his schooling life. This made him virtually invisible to the majority of the staff, other students and bullies. An ideal and untroubled life, until… fly-fishing inexpertly, not far from the bank, he heard the deep tones of a familiar voice. DWJ slowly turned, fearfully, to face the wrath he was certain to feel from the Headmaster… “Och, Jimmy, ye canna even catch a wee tiddler wi’ tha’ set up! Get here wi’ it noo, an’ we’ll see wha’ we can do.”

His Headmaster smiled, as Jimmy slowly climbed the bank. Suffice it to say, Jimmy learned a great deal about fly-fishing, and even more about human nature, from his headmaster. They made arrangements to wag school together, providing Jimmy kept up his studies, and ‘made’ something of himself. Jimmy soon became a skilled fly-fisher, and with the help of the headmaster, gained holiday employment at the local American tourist trap.

Here, he learned the all encompassing art of being a ‘ghillie’- how to teach the unteachable the skills of fly-fishing, hunting and eating haggis – all within the fortnight of the ‘Glorious Twelfth’. When the land was no longer troubled by the noisy, but much needed tourists, he worked at the fish farm. He learned the finer points of ‘spawning’ and seeding the burns, rivers and lakes.

The Head Ghillie’s daughter attempted to teach our Jimmy alternative arts in spawning and seeding, but he was not an apt pupil. He developed a love of the land, and a desire for more education, spurred on by the headmaster. Hormones, trouble at home, and a desire to see the world, drove Jimmy to run away to sea. This was no doubt due to his over indulgence in reading great authors such as Sir Walter Scott and R.L. Stevenson.

Jimmy survived one very cold, wet season in a North Sea Fishing fleet. He came home, a sad and not much wiser lad. His studies recommenced, and grades were achieved.

Eventually, Jimmy entered University, where at last, his experience as a ghillie led him into studying Ichthyology at ‘honours’ level. During this time, he was able to work as an assistant in the Microbiology lab. However, this did not provide the much needed funds to survive the rigours of University life – the Pub. He embarked on a series of minor employment opportunities.

He lasted three days as a factory worker, seven as a dry-stone waller and forty-five minutes as a psychiatric nurse in an old peoples home. He managed a week as an encyclopedia salesman, but had to resign due to fallen arches.

Once, on a trip home, he realised that he had no ticket for the train. He had to travel in the luggage carriage, where he assisted the guard – thus he became a temporary, unpaid, acting guard for the duration of the journey.

When he had achieved his Bachelor of Ichthyology(hons) he was immediately offered the position of Assistant Fishery Manager at the place where he had been a ghillie. He would of necessity, deliver by truck, containers of hatchlings to various locations all over the north of Scotland, where he developed a taste for a good single malt. It was at this time he was also offered a position of elephant circumciser with Dick Chipperfield’s Circus, but he declined.

He became Fishery Manager eventually, and due to his insightful, humorous talks to visitors, he was asked to contribute stories and useful hints on various local radio stations. D.W.J has only ever had one real career in life, fly-fisherman, all his various skirmishes with employment stem from this.

May your waders never spring a leak, Jimmy.

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